Girly me..

What really, is wife material? 

I don’t like to cook…I shamelessly tell. 
I don’t like to go shopping…alone or without assistance.
I am untidy but I am very clean…a little hard to understand, I know.
I hate ironing.
I talk too much…the list is endless.

But …

I am good with kids.
I love cleaning.
I am submissive, loyal (another topic) and “too” honest. 
I believe in couple’s sharing expenses, so I want to work.
I’d rather stay home than go clubbing.
Of-course the list is endless too…

SO why do my “cons”, not make me worthy of being called wife material? why should I be lady-miss-perfect? 

I suffered a lot of emotional blackmail years back, so much I compared myself with ladies who I knew were “bad” girls yet married or in very solid relationships, I compared myself with Instagram girls who had 1k+ likes/followers and wore makeup every day and had men at their beck&call, I compared myself with every Christian sister who made me feel less for not being a virgin or committing the unforgivable,so much I wanted to be like them but secretly knew i would never be happy being like them; Well, I certainly knew there was nothing I could do about my retrieving my virginity, so that was that! I also had to be honest with myself that I did not enjoy wearing makeup every day or walking in heels, I knew I’d choose watching Desperate Housewives over going to meet the parents…literally.My personality conflicted what was expected of me and I struggled daily. I wasn’t even sure if I was a good person for being selfish and selfless at the same time, and then, some guy just had the damn nerves to say to me “you are no wife-material”.

Truth be told, I was haunted by that phrase for months, I remember asking a few male friends if they would marry a girl like me, I specifically remember telling my husband when we met, how it might be a bad idea to ask me out because men have tried before him and have considered and confirmed me as rubbish and unfit to be kept in a home … for some reasons they thought I played too much.

Today I look back and wonder why it hurt that much, … maybe because I always knew I wanted to be a wife, have a good husband, healthy kids… a good life… but hey, it’s a man’s world and regularly I let my exes get away with a lot of things… so many times I wanted to look these guys in the face and tell them too, but what makes you think you are husband material?

Why are you not the leader God asked you to be? Why are you not setting the pace for the life we both agreed on? Someone who makes you question what kind of life you trying to build with such hypercritic morals? Someone who shows no regard for his parents, how much more a lady? Someone who can’t even fend for himself not to mention his partner? well, that’s why there is a difference between boys and Men. That’s where experience, maturity, love and forgiveness also comes in.

Why can’t wife material be someone funny? Someone who communicates well with you, physically and spiritually? Someone resourceful? why can’t wife material be a praying woman? why can’t wife material be someone who can’t be mad at you for more than 2 seconds? Someone who protects your dignity? We all pray to be the Proverbs 31 woman, we all still strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman.

Share your thoughts on what you consider wife material and if you agree with me?

Girly me..

No idea!

I stalked her Instagram, followed her on snapchat, watched her Vlog…How does she put up a smile amid her struggles, of course she cries behind closed doors, of course she is tired sometimes, but that’s life she says, it’s not always fair and it is never perfect. She is strong and I had to learn.

I started this blog for basically two main reasons: 

Reason 1: someone advised me to- He said, once you can write it, you can deal with it properly. I realized soon enough that writing was therapeutic’ it helped me reflect on decisions I made, helped me see a true reflection of who I was, served as a guide to being a better person, as I made it a point of duty to always stay true to my words.

Reason 2: I was shy & lonely – of course I had my sisters and a couple of cordial friends here and there, but in the company of people, I would rather stare at my phone than make conversation. Writing meant creating the best friend, the clique, the gist ground, the listening ear, the perfect audience and at least it became way better than talking to myself.

To be honest, I am a better person than I was when I started the blog. I have been able to identify my flaws and work on them. I have been able to forgive and let go of things easily because whenever I re-read my write-ups… the mood is always different from when I had it put down. However, I am still working on my human relationships…lol! sounds like I am trying to redeem myself, I think I am; I also believe I owe a few followers on here a reason for my silence. It’s starting to feel like I used them and then just dumped them as soon as I figured things out, and really that isn’t the case. 

Transitioning into my 30’s was not exactly the way I envisaged it but then ‘story of our lives, right?, I wrote about it, some days I joked about it, but at a time I was no longer in control of myself anymore and I lost my peace. Experience has taught me to stay still rather than worry or panic; I did not see a lot of things coming at the end of last year. I lost my job due to the recession (the only thing I am good at), I was in-love with the wrong person, A stranger was in-love with me, I became toxic to a few close people and just before I could get a cap on, there was a proposal, a different kind of job offer and my personality in question. I could only be brave in my silence. 

I am sorry.

I found out in this period that once something is no longer in your control, leave it all to God, while having a good attitude to it all. I became a spectator while watching God at work, there was no way I could write about what I did not understand. It is almost still hard for me to write about it.

Someone wrote about how when you solve a problem for yourself, it is kind if you help others too. This blog was centered on my struggles as a single babe living in Lagos, my unlucky love life, my attitude to dealing with it and the lots of maybes and crazies; and then when that changed, I was not sure everyone will understand…

Now, I want to write again.

Imagine moving to a new place and just as you are just settling in fine, you have to move again? It felt like “hey relationship, I was fine before you walked into my life even though I want you but I don’t know…I think”. The truth— I decided to do it Gods’ way this time, I did not want to be messed up again, I did not want to cry and then come here to joke about how silly things had turned out, I allowed myself to be led, I decided to stay still and listen and God spoke.

I consciously changed my thoughts. I saw all I did wrong in previous relationships and made sure I stopped them.
I separated my needs from my wants and prioritized the things I need in a man and consciously registered it in my head.
I became open-minded to everything.
I stopped asking for advises because I realized I was mostly influenced by the opinions of others.
I cultivated the place of silence because for some strange reasons, talking about things yet to happen sometimes jinx the whole happening from happening.
In my stillness, I was not afraid, whatever the future held, I knew I was made for it.
Lastly, I put my comfort, my life and my heart first even when I knew it might offend certain people, because experience has taught me that others will not hesitate to do the same.

Breathe. Love. Laugh. Pause. Fight. Let go. Love.  

We deserve to be happy.

A.

Girly me.., With God

Of Earth and Not!

Still moment, yet there’s movement.
It surrounds , yet can’t be touched.
It was meant to be short, Still it lingers.

My feet is bare
The bare ground unfelt
Float it is.
So long it doesn’t hurt

No, it’s not dark.
There is the light, dim!
If I stay still a little longer
It will grow a little brighter.

Still moment, with its promises.
Safety. Clarity. Peace. Wisdom.
My voice. Strength.
As long as I don’t struggle, I won’t hurt.

 

 

A.

Girly me..

Be Right Back

Hi Guys,

Apologies for not being consistent with my write-ups… Been getting a lot of questions about why I delay with my posts and I sincerely feel bad about it.

My laptop is bad and I struggle with using my mobile phone to type. However, I am working on this issue and I promise I would be back  with my posts, and consistently,  before or by the ending of October 2016.

Please bear with me.

Thanks

Xoxo

 

A

Girly me..

Aisha’s mini skirt and the wind

 

The day started as any regular day, her morning task had been sorted and it did not look like the day was getting any busier, clueless on what to do at lunch time…. Been a while, yea? I missed this!

Somehow I think boredom has gotten me so knotted up, the ones who are close to me have suffered “small “from it.

My mother who lives alone, and who is always with her phones did not pick up her calls this particular evening.

I had called her two lines and when she did not pick up, I sincerely thought nothing of it at the moment, till my aunt (her sister) called a few seconds after , asking me where I was and instructing I ring her once I am home. Now this seem unusual because the tone in her voice sounded pressing and I live with this aunt (so my thoughts were are we not going to see at home before).

PANIC GROWING…I tried to remain calm, but immediately called one of my sisters and asked if everything was okay at her end, which I got an affirmative answer to, told her my fears and asked her to keep calling our mother’s phone lines till she or somebody picks up… then I kept redialling too.. PANIC.

Now I am no longer calm, …mum doesn’t take forever to pick her calls, her phone is always around her, … Lord God please she’s all I got…, immediately I called the newly wedded couple who live close to her building to go bang my mother’s gate and ensure they see her, REAL PANIC.

Then I called my best friend who is a prayer warrior to just pray, because it was at that point I remembered the day had been one kian, and I had been feeling kinda gloomy all day… and maybe it was a sign…ki olorun ma ja ribi (translationmay God not allow us witness evil), all knotted up inside, I don’t know what I’d do if anything… FULL BLOWN PANIC.

The neighbours got to her first.

Mum had come out smiling to the gate and all they could say with probably a bit of awkwardness on their faces was “Aunty Aisha has been calling you”

She got back inside, went to her phones to call me and saw 30missed calls…yep! I had called like a CRAZY lady. She called back a little worried and asked if everything was fine and If a Nigerian lady is allowed to scream at her mother, trust me I would have, because it took all the strength to calmly say, BUT WHY DID YOU NOT PICK UP YOUR CALL?

All she said, “Oh, I was watching Africa magic and the phones were in the bedroom”.

I seriously don’t know who was more embarrassed, the neighbours who were frightened by my call and watching the whole scenario play out calmly, or me miles away feeling stupid about my reaction.

Got home and my aunt said she wanted me to meet with a visitor she was sending to the house. #youdontmeanit#

I got teased for days at the extent of my conclusion.

Really, all that PANIC and stupid all for nothing…anyways we bless God…and yes, I can be like that!

Well, that shame applies to us all because I bet we all jumped into one big conclusion when y’all read the title now…especially the male readers.

 

XOXO

A

With God

Dont make it real…

This will probably be the second thing from the only thing I am most uncomfortable talking about but somehow, this is happening.

 

I had cheated on my ex, which is not the focus of this topic… But I fell into a terrible state of guilt and self-hate for myself…most people defined it as depression.

 

I remember clearly like yesterday; how pessimistic I was in every situation. Call the list of pessimists in Lagos Nigeria, I was probably top 10 from my district, at that time. This was 2-3 years back. I just was unable to understand how life became too hard.

Sleep was hard to come by, it would take hours to fall asleep, and seconds to be asleep, once I woke up, I would not want to open my eyes. Eating was the least on my mind, I suddenly became a shadow of myself, losing weight, sometimes vomiting food . I stopped caring how I dressed or looked and preferred staying at home alone in my dark quiet room, mostly mopping and crying over all the terrible happenings that led me to that one terrible decision that caused me to remain broken.

I was never the friendly sister, but I moved further away from friendly and became that angry unfriendly sister. the list of my declining moral / character increased.

 

At a point, suicide was the most googled , easy ways to take your life, different types of suicide, I even tried talking myself to believing I could do it, but that fear of never making it to heaven was more scary or maybe I just wasn’t brave enough.

I would often wonder why humans were blamed or have to go to hell when they commit suicide (to me suicide just felt like “Okay, I am tired of being in this party, I need to get back home now, I don’t have to wait for the driver to come pick me up either, as I can find my way back home ‘).

For a long time, I was always afraid of everything, and terribly sad for no serious reasons but one thing I remember was even though many people thought I was depressed at the time, I never accepted / believed it…(today I believe that was where my solution laid) because again, I was honest enough to identify the cause of that mind state and knew that it was only because I could not stop myself from thinking and holding on to all the depressing situations/ happenings.

Anything can cause depression, but is there really depression? Depression is an intense state of sadness…sadness is caused by sad situations…which happens from time to time and goes…that don’t make it your life, why not dwell on happiness which also comes from time to time and goes. This is life.

 

How I got out?

Point 1. I craved to get out. I knew I did not like that dark hole and I knew I was tired of looking like a sad attention seeker. I wanted my mind to be fine.

Point 2. Since suicide was not an option, staying in this world meant I needed to understand it and adapt, comfortably. So I chose!

Point 3. I learned to forget pain and focused strongly on the few happy thoughts I had. I had some really good friends who did not give up on me and wrote me almost every week reminding me in detailed descriptive words of what a wonderful friend and person I was and could still be. (I found God too at this time, and I think it was the kindness, patience and persistent attitudes of the concerned friends looking at me and expecting a miracle that pressed me. My mother (God bless her) was my biggest strength, she would never let me idly handle sharp objects alone, will force food down my throat, sit with me in my room saying nothing most of the time, never allowed me stay alone in a room with locks, and she never stopped praying too.)

Point 4. Fight …this is usually the hardest because no one can do this for you and already your mind and body is weak, so you actually need to know why you have to fight… some find it in their careers, some in character, some in family… (I kept telling myself, if my mother did not give up on her kids after her husband passed – she could have stayed crying and suicidal and who knows how my sisters and I would have turned out) it was only right I took the reins from her and also pass it on to my kids…I found a purpose!

Point 5. Take your time. 5months, 1 year, 2years, 4years … be honest about your feelings, take as long as you need, you will lose friends, maybe loved ones; you will be hated, definitely, because not everyone will understand why you can’t handle your issues without looking sad and cramping their lives, you will be alone but you will be fine as long as you don’t give up, you only have to remember the mind you had as a child and see life again through it.

 

Why am I saying this?

I don’t want to mind my business and I am not afraid to show that I once descended a dark stairwell.

I know I cannot help you as much as I would like to, but I know I can let you see that it’s okay to go through what you going through but not okay if you refuse to come out of it.

I probably have no real deep understanding of depression, or the pain you feel and carry, but I do know you are not weird, silly or crazy. It’s hard. You feel lost, unworthy,maybe unloved. You are mentally and physically drained. You hate that someone special gave up easily on you. You don’t get why some can’t love you how you are, maybe help you fight your demons. You have done terrible things and cannot forgive yourself and believe that the bad feelings/happenings are a result of the terrible things you did, you suddenly believe in Karma way too strongly and you are unsure if you want to keep on living, you in constant comparison of your life with others as it always seems better on the other side…SEEM!

Not too New Gist: It is not what it mostly seems.

That is all it is; just like happiness is also sadness, it comes and it goes…it’s what you hold on to that actually stays.

One thing to remember is you have no control over everything. You cannot control the good , the bad, but you can develop a float mood when the depressing mood comes, and grasp at every strand of happy thoughts when it passes by. Once you accept that it is not in your hands, you can realize life was given as a gift and for a learning phase, and only God should be the judge, because when you say you are depressed, you are actually judging yourself.

Be Gentle with your mind.

With time, you genuinely start to feel happy (force a smile if you have to, it sticks after a while), understand that everyone is different and you only can be accountable for your actions and reactions. Learn to live in love and do not hesitate to do away with people who bring you down or remind you of your sad past. You not doing it for what people would think and say about you, you should do it only for yourself.

XOXO.

please feel free to comment if you have something to share/add…

 

 

A

Girly me..

Miracles Happen.

Do you have any idea how it feels to wear your trouser jeans and not be able to struggle when fitting into it? The jeans just slides up freely like you wearing an oversized chiffon pant, with nothing in its way? Absolutely saddenlutelyunsexy!

 

Then you get out there and your thoughts are filled with prayers? ….God please don’t let these jeans drop, while constantly trying to bloat your tummy to hold up the jeans, because the jeans has got no belt holes. Don’t let me bother you with the sad ways I tighten my belts holes, you would think I was trying to knot an open bag of rice.

 

Mirrors gives you exactly what you give it, and my chest wasn’t escaping it either, every time I looked into the mirror, A FREAKING FLAT CHEST stared right back at me. I doubt I ever experienced a “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, is my chest right for the public eye today? Yes, Yes, your chest is perfectly girly’ .. for where?

The native outfits gave the lowest feeling, even with my highly padded bras. I remember I would roll up old socks and panties into my already padded bras to give it more volume and hardly did I make the mistake of buying a bra that wasn’t extremely padded. Those things just don’t happen. It was still so sad, I never even got the cleavage line even after wearing a push up bra (the struggle.)

 

People would say, eat more, maybe you will add weight like your sisters and it would leave me wondering if it wasn’t the same food we were being fed, these sisters of mine filled out in the ”right” places, still pretty, very sensual and all I got was my Chinese-looking-ironing-table-kinda-ass and a chest that made me pass for a boy.(several mistaken identity situations happened oo).

 

The saddest part was I never understood why skinny girls were the hypes, we were all bones and pride for all I saw. I would say I got a lot of confidence about my body solely from guys who painted fat girls as extremely disgusting and settled for the fact that I was the ‘preferred’ size…but secretly I prayed to be chubby.

 

 

 

I am now in my late twenties and it seems Mother Nature got the 911 call my hormones placed years back and decided to send the authorities to attend to me.

Started out with my constant crave for food, I eat anything and everywhere and every time , and, My Dear, … I do it shamelessly.

IMG_6346
y’all thinking I don’t eat healthy..^tongueout^

 

I will start out complaining of how the food served on my plate is way too much and right before I am done talking, the food ‘ haf’ clear; as if that is not enough I would ‘ take style’  to ask when the next meal will arrive. It doesn’t even help that this happens on dates…who cares if he runs tomorrow, hian!

The first time I noticed the stretch marks on my buttocks, I couldn’t stopped looking into the mirror; the marks were the most beautiful body lines  I have ever seen, then some parts in there; they got dimples… idontblivit! How did I not notice it growing? These days my steps have gotten bouncier.

IMG_6342

My dear, the boobs just did it for me, I screamed out like I just gotten a ring (I plan on screaming when I get one anyways) and I kept saying…God, its here, its finally here.. they have the roundest softest fullest look and yes, my cleavage is visible now. They both so pretty, my description does no justice…and Yes, you  are allowed to imagine away!

IMG_6343
you weren’t expecting the real thing right?..lol

 

 

 Someone said, ‘ A, see your big tummy’ … Ehenhen so what?!

If you have ever had this sorta I-neverespperrit-miracle happen to you, do tell!

 

 

Xoxo 

A

Girly me..

This old maiden’s plight…

 

I always dread visiting my mum when I would be alone with her, as I am sure to listen to the “truth” I cannot handle and there will be no escape.

 

Mum: So have you met anyone?

A: Uhnnnnn… (Pretending to concentrate on something else other than her voice…)

Mum: Uhnnnn kinni? (What is the sigh for?) Or is there someone now? (Now persistent)

A: Emmm… (A little unsure whether to speak the truth or just form irritation and run into my room)

 

Just when I made up my mind about long distance relationship/” friendship “, I walk right back in…usually, my definition of a good relationship is mostly based on how good the communication is; right before the other things that follow. Somehow I realize I am always caught in the web of a good laugh, a patient soul and a kind heart and probably just fall in love with my imaginations thereafter.

 

Distance”… the word automatically spells THIS IS THE END, especially in matters of a relationship, So if I am creeped out, why do I even indulge?

 

Mum: You cannot keep doing this… (After she hears I have a “friend” but he doesn’t live in Nigeria), how long has this new friend been around? And why is this “friend” still “friend”?

A: #nervous smile# …uhnnn… mum, be patient!

 

I understand the worry about distance, you lose the months when it doesn’t work, you don’t get to experience being with this person physically- it is mentally draining, the loneliness, the doubt when friends think you not facing reality, For me though, it is the repeated pattern and the unconscious prediction of another hopeless end; am I lying to myself?

 

These days, you pretty much feel like marriage is a business-arrangement…but should that be all?

Putting in mind, not to overthink anything, embracing the friendship, trying hard not to ask yourself how long is too long before it is defined, repeated patterns can no longer be called mistakes, but still I believe if words are spoken explicitly and differences truthfully addressed , while both individuals learn to love each other without being afraid and respecting each others feelings , it might just turn out beautiful.

 

 

A: You know what is interesting, your birthday coming up… do you want a cake?

Mum: (stubbornly) No, I want gran babies.

A: #Smiles#…well gran babies can’t come in 5days, I think you need an air conditioner, hopefully the generator gives enough power to run it.

Mum: (totally succumbing and finally pleased with the idea of her gift…) Yes it should, the electrician once mentioned the generator can carry a small fridge alongside, and you know, even my neighbour …

A: (whew!)

 

 

 

XOXO

 

A

Girly me.., With God

A Mirror hurt

Life accepts either a Black or White, even though its shades of grey for the most part.

But there has always been struggles on how best to define Grey

And here;  She had settled for Grey.

 

Silent, scared, confused and insecure

A mind grown in the tiredness of vanity

For a moment of temporary relief

She was shamed, embarrassed and misjudged.

 

Her spirit had love, poorly expressed but sincere.

Her mouth had spoken of its souls weakness.

But her understanding too shallow to understand the power in words from thoughts.

 

Why give her this fight? She is no warrior

Why do the skies stay white and silent

Nights long

Days blurring

But Grace found her.

 

She might not be able to get back lost time.

But Grace assures her time brings good news.

 

 

Her prayers: pray for those who suffer in sin, judge not and condemn not.

For sin committed mostly appear selfish, while the war unaware.

 

 

A

With God

CHURCH BROTHERS and my thumbs down.

This is not meant to be a biased notion, rather from my little encounter, I have decided I might not be particularly thrilled if “church brother” fancies me.

 

Throwback to 2014, when I newly joined the church after giving my life to Christ, this “church brother” had sighted me and believed “I was the one” sent from God. My immediate reaction at the time was disgust (because I had heard all that crazy shit about how church men woo ladies and I wasn’t having none of that, not even with my new found faith), but it wasn’t too long before I got swayed off my feet.

First he had proposed his interest through the “church elders” – I was a little taken aback but you know that feeling you get when a boy confidently walks up to your parents to ask for permission to take you out; you feel safe. Well it eventually left me flattered.

Secondly, he got my number and would send me bible scriptures daily, helping me with my prayer life, telling me Iron sharpeneth iron, ensuring I listen to Christian tapes – I particularly enjoyed this because I really needed help with my new found faith and somewhere in my thoughts I am saying * here is a strong man for a home* .

Final sway process, was when “church brother “brought up “THE WAIT” topic. Lordy Lord, this was almost untrue. I willingly jumped on-board ready for the new ride with the “church brother”.

 

 

Fast forward four weeks of the above plus one additional week after asking me out and I had given A YES; “church brother “felt he might have made a mistake and God was no longer telling him “I am the one”.

At first I thought it was a joke, then maybe a phase, but when he went through the same “church elders” to breakup with me, the pain was nothing compared to the embarrassment.

By the time I healed from it all, I realized I had fallen for the “Christian” in him without seeing I actually never knew him.

 

2016, another “Christian brother” knocks and though I am wary after having experienced/heard/seen church happenings of similar styles happen to other ladies, I try to see what this is about.

The first two days of meeting me, “church brother” starts testing my mind about a prophet in the bible and my views. In as much as I felt silly about giving an impressive opinion, I still played along. A week later, he is suggesting bible plans to follow (although I would confess I do lack in this ground), inviting me to his own church and suggesting Christian links to follow, I wasn’t exactly impressed.

At this point, I am sure you all will wonder “A, he seem like a great guy”, well my girlfriends thought so too, but truth be told, I never felt understood. I cannot tell if it was because I had grown weary or maybe because I really just wanted it to be about me.

First, with “Christian brother”, I seem to be in a constant battle with God for his attention; I mean who has God as a rival or wins that sort of rivalry?

I got stood up twice for “physical” dates because “church brother” had to attend to “spiritual needs “at church.

Times I purposely gave carnal opinions to views he brought up, his responses were very predicted and I would imagine he thought of me as a devil…lol, well I really did not care, I just wanted to see a man who knew that as much as things were of the spirit , this was reality.

I once recall my church pastor advising men to take out their women, spoil her silly with attention, listen to her and make her feel her opinion counts…he said you will find out she will help you love God better.

Once I brought up the reservations, once “church brother” said – I made up my mind a long time to do it God’s way – smiles!!! Well, that just did it for me…, ‘brother be waiting for God to ask me out for him? Or God to show him a sign? Well, I already have a relationship with this same God too, I might as well just concentrate on that too.

 

 

You all might not be surprised at the outcome of it all, as it ended with “if you want to go, comman be going”…lol.

 

 

Maybe these “Christian brothers “see Life, Love, Marriage, Family and God, far different from me. At this point, as much as I respect “Christian brothers” views, I wish they did not all come acting like they following some manual. I respect a man who loves God dearly, but “brother” knowing the me in me is just as important as knowing God in me.

 

To my beautiful ladies, who still believe they gotta marry a Christian brother, I pray he loves you as much as he loves Christ.

Also a shout out to one Christian man I know, K.E, you are a good one.

As for me, I remain ….

 

 

Xoxo

A.