This will probably be the second thing from the only thing I am most uncomfortable talking about but somehow, this is happening.
I had cheated on my ex, which is not the focus of this topic… But I fell into a terrible state of guilt and self-hate for myself…most people defined it as depression.
I remember clearly like yesterday; how pessimistic I was in every situation. Call the list of pessimists in Lagos Nigeria, I was probably top 10 from my district, at that time. This was 2-3 years back. I just was unable to understand how life became too hard.
Sleep was hard to come by, it would take hours to fall asleep, and seconds to be asleep, once I woke up, I would not want to open my eyes. Eating was the least on my mind, I suddenly became a shadow of myself, losing weight, sometimes vomiting food . I stopped caring how I dressed or looked and preferred staying at home alone in my dark quiet room, mostly mopping and crying over all the terrible happenings that led me to that one terrible decision that caused me to remain broken.
I was never the friendly sister, but I moved further away from friendly and became that angry unfriendly sister. the list of my declining moral / character increased.
At a point, suicide was the most googled , easy ways to take your life, different types of suicide, I even tried talking myself to believing I could do it, but that fear of never making it to heaven was more scary or maybe I just wasn’t brave enough.
I would often wonder why humans were blamed or have to go to hell when they commit suicide (to me suicide just felt like “Okay, I am tired of being in this party, I need to get back home now, I don’t have to wait for the driver to come pick me up either, as I can find my way back home ‘).
For a long time, I was always afraid of everything, and terribly sad for no serious reasons but one thing I remember was even though many people thought I was depressed at the time, I never accepted / believed it…(today I believe that was where my solution laid) because again, I was honest enough to identify the cause of that mind state and knew that it was only because I could not stop myself from thinking and holding on to all the depressing situations/ happenings.
Anything can cause depression, but is there really depression? Depression is an intense state of sadness…sadness is caused by sad situations…which happens from time to time and goes…that don’t make it your life, why not dwell on happiness which also comes from time to time and goes. This is life.
How I got out?
Point 1. I craved to get out. I knew I did not like that dark hole and I knew I was tired of looking like a sad attention seeker. I wanted my mind to be fine.
Point 2. Since suicide was not an option, staying in this world meant I needed to understand it and adapt, comfortably. So I chose!
Point 3. I learned to forget pain and focused strongly on the few happy thoughts I had. I had some really good friends who did not give up on me and wrote me almost every week reminding me in detailed descriptive words of what a wonderful friend and person I was and could still be. (I found God too at this time, and I think it was the kindness, patience and persistent attitudes of the concerned friends looking at me and expecting a miracle that pressed me. My mother (God bless her) was my biggest strength, she would never let me idly handle sharp objects alone, will force food down my throat, sit with me in my room saying nothing most of the time, never allowed me stay alone in a room with locks, and she never stopped praying too.)
Point 4. Fight …this is usually the hardest because no one can do this for you and already your mind and body is weak, so you actually need to know why you have to fight… some find it in their careers, some in character, some in family… (I kept telling myself, if my mother did not give up on her kids after her husband passed – she could have stayed crying and suicidal and who knows how my sisters and I would have turned out) it was only right I took the reins from her and also pass it on to my kids…I found a purpose!
Point 5. Take your time. 5months, 1 year, 2years, 4years … be honest about your feelings, take as long as you need, you will lose friends, maybe loved ones; you will be hated, definitely, because not everyone will understand why you can’t handle your issues without looking sad and cramping their lives, you will be alone but you will be fine as long as you don’t give up, you only have to remember the mind you had as a child and see life again through it.
Why am I saying this?
I don’t want to mind my business and I am not afraid to show that I once descended a dark stairwell.
I know I cannot help you as much as I would like to, but I know I can let you see that it’s okay to go through what you going through but not okay if you refuse to come out of it.
I probably have no real deep understanding of depression, or the pain you feel and carry, but I do know you are not weird, silly or crazy. It’s hard. You feel lost, unworthy,maybe unloved. You are mentally and physically drained. You hate that someone special gave up easily on you. You don’t get why some can’t love you how you are, maybe help you fight your demons. You have done terrible things and cannot forgive yourself and believe that the bad feelings/happenings are a result of the terrible things you did, you suddenly believe in Karma way too strongly and you are unsure if you want to keep on living, you in constant comparison of your life with others as it always seems better on the other side…SEEM!
Not too New Gist: It is not what it mostly seems.
That is all it is; just like happiness is also sadness, it comes and it goes…it’s what you hold on to that actually stays.
One thing to remember is you have no control over everything. You cannot control the good , the bad, but you can develop a float mood when the depressing mood comes, and grasp at every strand of happy thoughts when it passes by. Once you accept that it is not in your hands, you can realize life was given as a gift and for a learning phase, and only God should be the judge, because when you say you are depressed, you are actually judging yourself.
Be Gentle with your mind.
With time, you genuinely start to feel happy (force a smile if you have to, it sticks after a while), understand that everyone is different and you only can be accountable for your actions and reactions. Learn to live in love and do not hesitate to do away with people who bring you down or remind you of your sad past. You not doing it for what people would think and say about you, you should do it only for yourself.
please feel free to comment if you have something to share/add…